Stay strong like a warrior.
10:19 PM
Finally back to update.
It's been quite a hectic time for me, from the time I last updated this space. Been mainly preoccupied with work, & bam.. it was results day.
My feelings before that? I've pretty much summed it up in my previous post about results. The wait was so torturous.. like I just know that, that day will be the day that determines everything that will go on from now on.
After I got my results, I tried to not let my grades define and affect me.. but I think I failed miserably in that aspect, because the only thing that people cares about is if I can get into a local university with the grades I've gotten. People will form their opinions of me based on my results, and assume that I didn't put in my best. That feeling is really terrible.. like whatever I've tried so hard for the past two years is just in vain simply because of my grades that are so lacking.
I fell into despair.. I shut myself out, I just didn't want to see anybody that could make me feel anymore inferior. The tears, just couldn't stop falling. I was really so sick of crying, but it just wouldn't stop no matter how hard I tried. The thoughts kept drifting back to my results. I had such a bad headache & the crying just worsened everything. The disappointment I felt couldn't even be described with the amount of tears.
Just about an hour after the release of results, texts started to come in.. "How's your results?", "results ok?".
Tell me, with those texts, how could I ever convince myself to not let my grades define me? The first thing people asked about is my results, & not how I was feeling, or if I'm alright then. I know that I can't blame them for asking that question since its natural for them to do so.. but it really made me feel so much more worse (as if it could get any worse). Threw my phone aside (I really just wanted to throw it in the dustbin but..) and went to somewhere quiet to cool down.
I was just being such an embarrassment in public though, crying non-stop since the start of the bus journey till the end & even at the place where I went to cool down. I didn't really care about what people would think about this loser (me) crying in public and just let my emotions got the better of me.
I told myself, "No more tears after today, so just cry it all out while you can."
Honestly I was quite shocked at the amount of tears that just kept flowing out because I haven't cried so badly for a really long time. I thought my tears probably dried up after the amount of tears I cried when Grandpa left.
After all the tears, I knew I have to get back to reality. No matter how much I cry, my grades will remain the same, and it'll follow me throughout my entire life. I just got to become stronger mentally and not let other people affect me. I have to trust in His plans for me, and there'll definitely be something good that will come out of this. Really thank God for granting me this valuable lesson to teach me how to become a stronger & more resilient individual.
I'm also very thankful for many others who showed their concern and gave me words of encouragement. It may seem nothing to you, but it really means a lot to me. It's during times like this that I really know who will still stay with me no matter what happens.
It's funny how I've to go through such a pricey lesson to learn so many things, but I believe that this is also part of His plan for me as well. :-)
Till next time.
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