"In the Bible, there are 366 "fear not" verses in the Bible - one for every day of the year including one for the leap year."

Learnt about 'Fear' at ycg last week and I thought it was a really good lesson because it's something that every one faces almost every day. I tried to think back of some experiences when I had troubles deciding between trust and fear. 

To be honest, it isn't easy to trust. God doesn't have a physical presence. The lack of the physical existence makes you question your own choices - is it really worth taking the risk?

So how did I come to trust in God who does not have a physical presence? 

Despite him not having a physical presence, He has earned my trust and built my faith through all the wonderful things He has done in my life. Yes, there were times of distress, troubles and obstacles, but He never left me even for a second and always guided me through it. I always feel so thankful whenever I think about how He's always there for me although I'm such a small and insignificant being in the universe.

There're just too many things that happened in my life that can only be possible with God's intervention.

I shall share one of the fears that I had and the decision I made between fear and trust.  It's on something that I rarely talk about (be it online or to my friends) - my first (and last) relationship.

I always felt that it was an uncomfortable topic to talk about so I didn't post much nor did I talk to my friends much about it. In fact, some of my friends wondered if I was still in the relationship because of how I didn't talk much about it then. I shall not talk about the reasons on why I don't like to share about it, but talk about the aspect of 'fear' in my last relationship.

It started off well like any other relationships, but the 'honeymoon period' was meant to end at some point of time in the relationship. I guess it ended when we chose different paths and went to different schools. Prior to that, there were some occasional squabbles but they weren't serious ones. Everything started to really go downhill when we decided on different paths because it got harder to meet and spend quality time with each another. It was also the time where we had so many clashes in opinions. Quarrels, exchange of harmful words and cold wars started to fill our texts.

I think I'm largely to be blamed for that though. Because I'm one who gets very carried away with what I'm doing. The first year in JC was really tough for me and I took quite awhile to adapt. I was failing almost every subject for my mid-years (and tests too) and I was in the danger zone and at high risk of retaining. I never expected myself to do so badly in school and I just felt really depressed and disappointed with myself. The reason why I chose a JC was because I really wanted to go to a local university in the fastest possible time. So many fears gripped me.. what if I retain? What if I do so badly and can't enter any universities at the end of the 2 years? I fell into despair, but I decided to carry on and give my best and try my best to promote to JC2 first. I began to neglect the things around me, and that included my relationship. I spent most of my time at the library studying for promos, clinging onto the hope that maybe I'd still be able to promote. Even though I studied very hard, I felt that I wasn't going anywhere. I was really ready to retain... but thank God. Thank God for providing, and I promoted to JC2.

And without saying, my relationship just fell into rock bottom with my focus on my studies. With every few sentences, we'd be quarreling. I really wanted to give up on it then because I felt so stressed out by my studies already. However I was really fearful.. fearful of the repercussions of ending things. I shall not elaborate on this aspect but fear really gripped me during this time on making a decision.

I succumbed to fear and carried on in JC2. In JC2, I knew that my promotion didn't come easy so I continued to bury myself in books every other day. Thus the same old problems and same old issues continued to surface.

During this rocky period, I kept praying to God. I asked Him to show me what He wants me to do. If it is His will for me to end it, close the door for me. If not, show me the light and guide me how to continue on. The rocky period continued for quite awhile, till one day, he decided that we should end off things.

I thought that was God's answer to my prayer.

It was really so clear and I couldn't avoid it any longer. I decided to put my trust in the Lord that this will be for the better for the two of us, so I agreed and we ended off the two year long relationship.

Of course it wasn't easy to end off. I kept myself busy with studies so that I wouldn't think of it, but sometimes the thoughts just comes and attack you when you're most vulnerable. I just kept praying for God to strengthen me if that was His will and plan for me during that time. God provided and opened up many other doors for me. First was Evangel, then getting to know my ycg, then the Phileo members. They've been the greatest blessing that God had given me ever since then and I'm really thankful that God showed me how it's never wrong to put our trust in Him.

I'm really thankful for all the lessons I've learnt in that relationship though. Although it wasn't the most perfect relationship, it has taught me a lot of things. I've always thought that it's easy to maintain a relationship, but now, I know that it's not. It requires a lot more responsibility, a lot more time, dedication and emotions.

It's been almost two years since the end, but honestly I still feel that I'm not ready for another. It's not that I've yet to move on, but it's just that I've this fear that things will not end up well. Whatever it is, I believe that God has the right person prepared for us at the right time. I've just got to learn how to trust in the Lord more and listen to what He has to tell me. :-)