captain
1:35 AM
many imperfections I see in myself
yet, He overlooks my flaws
He reminds me of the Greater things in Him
to always strive harder
to be a better me
for Him
for others
to love others
like how He did
He told me it won't be easy
but,
He will be there through it all
and He did
from the beginning
till now
He held on
He stayed
He loved me
(and us)
This break has really taxed me a lot in my emotional well-being. Remembering the questions I left on this platform about two months back:
How does God want me to spend this three to four months?
How can I grow in Him in ways beyond my own imagination during this break?
How can I use this time to cultivate the heart of love for all around me, and act on this desire to bless all who need it?
I'm already more than halfway through the break. I admit, these questions slipped my mind after awhile. I was continuing what others told me was right to do, but I didn't take time to pause and reflect on what I've been doing.
And, I guess that's how I broke down last Thursday.
On the train ride on the way to church after my meeting, I couldn't hold back my tears. I felt like a huge embarrassment in public, but I really could not hold back. I tried to move my thoughts towards the more positive things, but my heart was so filled with frustration and discontentment that I could no longer hear Him. I only managed to calm myself down after settling down somewhere. Just took some moments to cut myself off from work and other communications; it was short, but one of the best moments that week. During that short time that I was physically by myself, I could hear Him again. He reminded me of the three questions above, and the purpose I was called to do what I am doing.
(p.s thanks to Michelle who was listening to me throughout the time too!!)
To be honest, June made me feel so worthless and lost about myself. Just felt like an aimless person going through the daily routines; one of the worst was about my tuition classes. I used to enjoy teaching a lot, but now, they feel like a burden and heavy load to me. Where did my love for teaching and children go to? I could feel my teaching worsening too.. and some sessions just didn't feel as fulfilling as before.
But, really thankful for God's blessings throughout this tough time though, even though how I received them initially wasn't as so. I received quite a few new tuition assignments during this break, and silly me who thought that I could handle accepted almost everything.. Also because, I don't really know how to reject them. It was then I realized and started feeling so overwhelmed with fear. What will happen when school begins? Will I be able to cope? What if my grades end up like my grades in Y1S2? All the negative thoughts started flooding me, and I was also fearful that my love for teaching will just die along with all these commitments.
So.. I tried to remember the reason why I even began three years back.
It wasn't so much to support my finances (although it eventually became so), it wasn't so much of filling my schedule so that I wouldn't be bored.
Everything started solely because of my love for children and teaching.
It was as simple as that.
I guess, many things happened along the way (over the past year especially) that made me forget this.
I'm thankful God intervened before everything was too late. I prayed really hard for me to find back the love for teaching and for the kids. For me to remember why I started. For me to have the right intentions in my heart. For me to love my students like how I did before.
I'm still on that journey back. I may forget it over the next six months or so, so I'm leaving this here to remind the future me who's reading this.
Really thankful for the small and big blessings over the break though:
Finally meeting up with dearest cuzzie! Thankful that we've a pretty similar schedule now so that we could just chill the afternoon away together~ Sis was on leave that day so she popped by too!
Went for his Commissioning Ball too! It was also my first time trying on make up by myself and it was a horrendous attempt lol. Was just trying to look minimally decent and awake for the night but I think I looked worse with make up on lol. #Igiveup
Not really a fan of attending formal events like such but it didn't turn out to be that formal too so all was good! I was just glad to be there for this closing chapter of his ocs journey. It's been such a loooong year and he had really went through so much. But really thank God for providing and all the mercies blessed unto him over the past year. :-)
Brought my student out for a mini outing too to the library and supermarket to get his school work done. Glad he enjoyed it and I think the change of environment helped him to build up his interest in learning!
Also had a ycg outing with this bunch!! Weather wasn't really on our side initially but thank God for clearing the skies just in time! Had a lot of fun together with them snacking and playing games. No idea when will be the next with school resuming, but really thank God for putting them in my life! It hasn't been the easiest journey, but one that will be worth it. :') Looking forward to see them grow more in their spiritual life and as a group together even more for the next half of the year! My prayer for them is really for them to come to see God as the focus and center in all areas of their lives.
Our dinner together. Huge huge pizza.
Went off to attend a wake after. It was a good day but still felt really drained after the long day. Dearest sis blessed me with this yummy choco cone!!! And we cycled home from bp after lololol. Turned out to be a pretty fun night lolol.
Went to grandma's on Saturday after tuition and I was so blessed by this cup of freshly made honey lemon made by grandma!!! I can't even emphasize how much I LOVE the honey drinks my grandma makes.. both my grandparents used to make it for us when we stayed there!! Super nostalgic as I drank it. Ended off the day with a good dinner together at grandma's! Just love such simple days spent at her house chilling it away. :')
Sunday was mainly spent in church and had a lunch with some of the members before heading off to meet the snoopz in the evening. It's been way too long since we met because of our conflicting schedules. Felt good to catch up with them despite it being short! Went back to rush out some work for the week, and met J for an impromptu run after. Wanted to just do a run by myself initially but he suggested that he'd run over (tho' he was lazy to) to my place. Didn't know the real reason why he wanted to (despite being lazy) until we met.
Do you know why I wanted to run today?
Why?
Cause it's the 25th.
Uh huh?
Do you get it?
Mmm, get what?
Cause we had our first run together on the 25th last year.
Ohh.
So, do you get it now?
Uh.. get what?
Like we ran today and we ran on the 25th last year too.
Mmm, I think I get it..
But I don't know if I'm on the same page as you.
So.. he actually mistook our first time out together as the run on 25th last year which I corrected him unless he had a different definition to us "being out together" lol. I was actually already slightly shocked when he mentioned about the date first because I didn't remember. :x I do remember places that we went to especially those at the start, but dates weren't in my memory at all. My memory was grouped according to his pre-ocs, ocs (subdivided into the different terms), and now post-ocs lol. But anyway he later scrolled back to our conversations last year and found out where we went when we went out for the first time together.
And the next day, we went back to where we headed to for the very first time. He suggested to head back there for memories sake haha. It was a rather short and quick meal back then and I really didn't expect things to turn how the way it is today.
Looking back, back to the very beginning, I can only thank God once again for blessing me with him over the past one year. Throughout the year, I felt so many emotions and feelings I had never expected to go through and never felt before. I really learned a whole lot journeying through life together despite the bouts of ups and downs in our respective lives.
I don't really smile normally like now.
Why?
I just don't.
But you should!
Hmmm.
Just keep smiling with others like what you're doing now.
Nooooo I can't.Although it's not going to be easy to change that, but with His hand, it will happen one day!
We actually had a little misunderstanding slightly before the weekend too, but I was really thankful that he initiated in opening up about how he truly felt. It turned out to be a time where we were willing to open up more to one another to clarify our feelings and take it as a time of learning for the both of us. There's really so much for me to learn, not just in my relationship with him, but also with my family, friends, others, and most importantly God. It came as a rather timely checkpoint for myself to reevaluate myself holistically.
Just, thank God.
For everything in my life.
Good or bad, You have it all in control.
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