"Recently I decided to sit down and look back on my life through the lens of God's grace. What I have discovered is that I can look back on parts of my life I would have complained about to discover God's grace in them instead. I may have wished at the time things were different, but now I can see how grace has redeemed those things in my life today."
During my time on exchange, my heart was constantly filled with joy. I did not have to intentionally look for reasons to be thankful - I was just so thankful for every little thing like the fresh air I was breathing that my heart was beaming with happiness.
My time at exchange was largely a beautiful memory - but all these wouldn't have been possible with the past year of struggle and tears.
So many times during 2017 I questioned,
"Why am I doing this?"
"Will it really be worth it?"
"I can't wait for this to end."
So much so that I broke down countless times and was constantly devoid of joy. There were so much negative thoughts that filled my mind, wanting to give up and just forgo exchange altogether.
Now looking back, without those struggles, I would have never experienced the whole beautiful memory in my favourite country and meet the amazing people over there. The struggles before also made me cherish my time in Aussie so much more - and perhaps that's why it's so hard to let go now. It felt like I was living in a bubble right there, protected from all negativity and harm; now I'm back, it's burst and I'm back to reality.
Lest I forget, I really want to thank God,
for putting me in where He willed for me to be at.
Knowing my character - He placed me in ANU that taught me so much.
Knowing what I love - the mountains and the seas, He placed me there.
Knowing my fears - He put the lovely ones in my life to journey together.
As I went through every single day, I got a better understanding of why He placed me right there at that period.
Indeed, You're the faithful God who moves the mountains, who understands all our needs and fulfills what's best for us.
I'm left with so much to be thankful for - a heart of gratitude that I hope will continue to be cultivated even as I continue my time back home.
You give life, You are love
You bring light to the darkness
You give hope, You restore
Every heart that is broken
Great are You, Lord
--
The pilot said as we landed back in SG.
"Home," I thought. This is where I belong - whatever that has happened over the past five months were a temporal safe haven that isn't a place that I have a permanent place in.
As the pilot took off from the runway of Melbourne airport, I bit on hard on my lips - hoping to stop the tears from falling. I failed as I expected. Tears just fell down uncontrollably and my heart felt so heavy. Leaving Canberra has already left me in tears once, and made me feel as though the whole bubble has burst; I wasn't expecting this second round of tears as I make my way home.
"Why do you choose Canberra as your place for exchange?"
A place that I had no knowledge of five months ago is now the place that holds so much cherished memories for me.
The place that felt so much like home,
the place that allowed me to be who I truly am,
the land that allowed to meet so many amazing people,
I thank God for this decision that I'd regard as one of the best decisions in my life thus far.
To Canberra,
Thank you. As boring as how others may claim about you, you reflect your own unique beauty. The quietness and empty streets - I find peace in them. The weather that fluctuates and surprises everyone - I love every bit of it. The countless cafes around - I loved every cup of flat white and hearty breakfast that you serve.
The fresh air, the environmental-friendly and loving city, the small community - everything about it is just so beautiful.
This is a goodbye for now, but I will be back. :-)
You came to the world You created
Trading Your crown for a cross
You willingly died
Your innocent life paid the cost
Counting Your stature as nothing
The King of all kings came to serve
Washing my feet
Covering me with Your love
If more of You means less of me
Take everything
Yes, all of You is all I need
Take everything
You are my life and my treasure
The One that I can't live without
Here at Your feet
My desires and dreams I lay down
Here at Your feet
My desires and dreams I lay down
Oh Lord, change me like only You can
Here with my heart in Your hands
Father I pray make me more like Jesus
This world is dying to know who You are
You've shown us the way to Your heart
So Father I pray make me more like Jesus
More like Jesus I pray
Make me more like Jesus
Oh Lord, oh Lord
Father I pray, Father I pray
Make me more like Jesus
--
knowing Jesus' heart and growing closer to Him - the greatest takeaway from this few months away from home.
even as things change,
as people change,
He remains the same.
thank You for Your love.
Where would I run
But to the throne of mercy
Where would I kneel
But at this cross of grace
How great the love
How strong the hand that holds us
Beautiful, so beautiful
So here I bow to lift You high
Jesus be glorified
In all things, for all my life
I am Yours, forever Yours
There is a King who bore the scars of healing
There is a Son who came in grace and truth
How great the love that carries us to kindness
Wonderful, You’re wonderful
God here and now, be lifted high
Right here and now, be glorified
God of Heaven and Earth
God who brought me back to life
I am Yours, forever Yours
--
Last night, I cried to sleep.
As I reflected upon Jesus' love for us, it really overwhelmed me and opened the floodgates of my eyes.
Really, who else can ever compare to His great and abounding love for us undeserving people?
No one, really.
Just no one.
Right before I came for exchange, I was excited, but there was still there fear.
Will it be alright when I'm alone there? What if I fall sick? Mummy will not be able to take care of me. What if I don't make any friends? What if I run out of money to spend? What if I get overwhelmed by the school workload? What if I feel so uncomfortable in the environment and everything does not turn out the way that I wanted it to?
I tried to "lower" my expectations for exchange - which obviously didn't really work out well.
During this overwhelming phase of doubt and fear, God spoke,
"But I'll be with you, right?"
I have really been too dependent on people in my life that I often forget God's omnipresence. He has always been there for me - why am I still doubting and fearing?!
From then on, I felt this sense of reassurance to go forth. I'm not alone in this journey, I have Jesus!!!
And indeed, He has proven Himself once again and again - repeatedly during my time here. I'm thankful for this time away from people - for me to remember that, all I need is Jesus in my life. He's the first person I should turn to and the only one I need for all my days.
Thank You Jesus, for the greatest love and sacrifice done on the Cross. For loving such a sinless and undeserving soul like me so much.
I love You, Jesus. :')
Caught Mary Magdelene with my friends after our church service today.
It wasn't a great movie - at least in our opinion. My friends dozed off, some left midway to head out for a breather, and the content just left most of us confused.
One scene though - despite the peripheral inaccurate representations - stood out for me.
Jesus' crucifixion on the cross.
I could not bear to watch that scene. Closed my eyes in between the scenes, but it couldn't stop my heart from hurting.
The hurt, shame, and our sins that He had to carry on the cross - how often do we remember of this great sacrifice and love for us?
The nail pierced hands and feet, the crown of thorns - it must have hurt a great deal.
Yet, we fail Him everyday. Forgetting this great sacrifice completed on the Cross for us.
When will we really learn?
May the Lord always remind me of the great sacrifice and love that He has showed us and for me to walk closer in His ways with each passing day.
I don't ever want to take His love for granted.
Peace be still
Say the word and I will
Set my feet upon the sea
Till I'm dancing in the deep
Oh peace be still
You are here so it is well
Even when my eyes can't see
I will trust the voice that speaks
I am thankful - from the depths of my heart.
This trip was indeed a God-willed one.
One that allowed me to reconnect with Him on a much more personal level;
One that allowed me to find my purpose here and from now on;
One that reminded me why I do the things I do.
Indeed, You are trustworthy.
Everyday and forevermore.
Overwhelming joy
Right where I am
The very moment I'm breathing in
Can it last forever?
--
Thanking Jesus for this day again. There was a really heavy downpour today I was greeted with a text in the morning from Ruth, "Omg how are y'all going to get there [church]?"
I did not doubt at all. Not even for a single moment.
Rain or shine, I have to make it to church.
The rain did not look daunting from my room's window view, but right when I got to the lobby, I was shocked by the heavy downpour. I knew that my umbrella was not going to help me at all. But guess who will?
God.
We decided to brave the rain and walked to church. We were completely drenched but thank God for the safety and paving the way to church for an amazing time of worship, praise and learning.
Amazing grace indeed.
Right where I am
The very moment I'm breathing in
Can it last forever?
--
Thanking Jesus for this day again. There was a really heavy downpour today I was greeted with a text in the morning from Ruth, "Omg how are y'all going to get there [church]?"
I did not doubt at all. Not even for a single moment.
Rain or shine, I have to make it to church.
The rain did not look daunting from my room's window view, but right when I got to the lobby, I was shocked by the heavy downpour. I knew that my umbrella was not going to help me at all. But guess who will?
God.
We decided to brave the rain and walked to church. We were completely drenched but thank God for the safety and paving the way to church for an amazing time of worship, praise and learning.
Amazing grace indeed.
Unstoppable God
Let Your glory go on and on
Impossible things
In Your name they shall be done
--
Thanking God for the new mercies every morning.
This creation of His is just too amazing - not at all disappointing like what others say. :')
Let Your glory go on and on
Impossible things
In Your name they shall be done
--
Thanking God for the new mercies every morning.
This creation of His is just too amazing - not at all disappointing like what others say. :')
4 days to the journey that I have been awaiting for the entire 2017.
4 Jan 2017 - Happiness as I opened the email knowing that I’ve received an offer from my first choice - ANU. However, with so much more fear overwhelming - how am I supposed to save up in a year? With my current pathetic savings, I need to slog like a cow for the entire 2017 to make this trip possible. Or even, skip a couple of meals.. miss out on social activities. Worse of all, no travels for an entire year! Am I committed enough to do it?
Consulted many of my closest ones with most of them encouraging me to go for it. Feeling lost is an understatement - I’d say. Obviously knowing that I want this opportunity so badly - but fearing all the above and how my parents (and pocket) would react to it.
2 days on, I accepted the offer - with so much fear. Here it starts, here it goes. Goodbye life. Hello work.
And that was pretty much the routine for 2017. School - work - church - home. Probably also what really drained me so badly through this routine - over and over again.
Here I am, 4 days to my trip. Looking back, it has been crazy. A really crazy roller coaster ride. Was it worth it? I don't know. It's been something that I've always been looking forward to, something that I thought was "natural" for me to go for. Perhaps not really travelling for a year would make me cherish this opportunity much more - to be more thankful for God who paved the route in the very first place and also never failing to provide in my times of need.
Looking forwards to the next couple of months of "newness". I'm expectant for a time of true rest, from the inside out, after the turbulent 2017.
2 days on, I accepted the offer - with so much fear. Here it starts, here it goes. Goodbye life. Hello work.
And that was pretty much the routine for 2017. School - work - church - home. Probably also what really drained me so badly through this routine - over and over again.
Here I am, 4 days to my trip. Looking back, it has been crazy. A really crazy roller coaster ride. Was it worth it? I don't know. It's been something that I've always been looking forward to, something that I thought was "natural" for me to go for. Perhaps not really travelling for a year would make me cherish this opportunity much more - to be more thankful for God who paved the route in the very first place and also never failing to provide in my times of need.
Looking forwards to the next couple of months of "newness". I'm expectant for a time of true rest, from the inside out, after the turbulent 2017.
Jesus, take the wheel.
day after day
night after night
I will remember
You're with me in this fight
merry christmas ~
honestly, really not in the "Christmas mood" this year or however it's defined.
however, i was pleasantly surprised by two girls who dropped texts of wishes this morning & just felt so thankful for God's hand for putting them in my life in the past year. :')
as i reflect about true meaning of Christmas, it is certainly one that should be celebrated for - Jesus' entrance into earth.
but just thinking about what followed in His life - the hardships, the judgement, the accusations, persecutions, etc; it seems really gloomy out of a sudden. He was brought to mankind to go through these, to set the example for us to follow, and eventually die for our sins.
who else could ever measure up to what He has done?
really, just no one.
thus, i'm praying that this season of Christmas, i'll be reminded that Jesus will be my only and sole fortress in my life as i enter the new year. may i stop falling into the pits - depending on things that do not last - but fixate my eyes on the only One who provides and saves.
i miss you
so, so, so much.
so much time have passed mercilessly
the hectic and busyness
trying to consume
making me forget
your love.
those are the days that i can never relive again
but i don't ever want to forget
because they were such memorable times
and the only memories i had with you.
it's surprising how i can still remember so clearly
the day you left us
it hurt
it cut
it killed.
thinking that i could never move on
but i guess i did somehow.
the 6 years without you
on some days i remember
the words you said
and it pushes me on
to live
to do my best
to be the granddaughter that you'd be proud of.
once again
thank you ahgong
for the 15 years of love and care.
missing you right here.
this semester has been so, so rough.
a test on my mental capacity, and even up till the final day, the physical being is attacked.
for the past 1.5 months, i've refrained myself from breaking down.
but last night, it was so hard..
i thought i've gotten stronger from the previous trial,
but i guess, things will only keep getting harder.
and i'll just get stronger with time.
really thankful for the blessings throughout this rough time though.
with time, all these shall pass too.
and i'll get stronger. :-)
thankful for the reminder from God through hillsong svc this morning :')
a test on my mental capacity, and even up till the final day, the physical being is attacked.
for the past 1.5 months, i've refrained myself from breaking down.
but last night, it was so hard..
i thought i've gotten stronger from the previous trial,
but i guess, things will only keep getting harder.
and i'll just get stronger with time.
really thankful for the blessings throughout this rough time though.
with time, all these shall pass too.
and i'll get stronger. :-)
thankful for the reminder from God through hillsong svc this morning :')
I stand upon the solid rock
Of faith in Christ
This steadfast hope shall not
Break apart within the trial
I am assured
His promises will never fail
As long as life remains
He is faithful
God is patient
God is kind
He does not envy
He does not boast
His ways are higher than my own
His thoughts consume the great unknown
Of this alone I am sure
My God is love
I draw my breath under His
Created windswept sky
I know my hope shall last
Long after my flesh retires
From dusk until the dawn
He calls His children home
His righteous love outlasts generations
He is Almighty God
Elohim
Maker of the earth
He is the Lord of hosts
Heaven’s King
God of endless worth
His kingdom stands above
Every power
Every living soul
His love is like the sun
Ever true
Shining over all
"Not only be strong," You reminded.
"But stronger."
"What I've put you through,
I will bring you through it all."
"Stand firm,
I am, and will be here with you, always."
"Remember,
My promise of eternity."
reminder to be thankful - even when i can't find any reasons to - in all circumstances.
there's definitely something to thank God for everyday.
it's just whether if i'm willing to open up my eyes and see.
放
I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed what God Has planned
I only know at his right hand
Stands one who is my Savior
I take him at his word and deed
Christ died to save me this I read
And in my heart I find the need
Of him to be my Savior
That he would leave his place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You called it strange so once did I
Before I knew my Savior
My Savior loves
My Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me
My God he was
My God he is
My God he's always gonna be
Yes living, dying let me bring
My strength my Solace from the Spring
That he who lives to be my king
Once died to be my Savior
That he would leave his place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You called it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior
My Savior loves
My Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me
My God he was
My God he is
My God he's always gonna be
oh they say people come, say people go
this particular diamond was extra special
and though you might be gone, and the world may not know
still I see you, celestial
like a lion you ran, a goddess you rolled
like an eagle you circled, in perfect purple
so how come things move on, how come cars don’t slow
when it feels like the end of my world
when I should but I can’t let you go?
but when I’m cold, cold
oh when I’m cold, cold
there’s a light that you give me when I’m in shadow
there’s a feeling you give me, an everglow
but when I’m cold, cold
in water rolled, salt
I know that you’re with me and the way you will show
and you’re with me wherever I go
and you give me this feeling this everglow
what I wouldn’t give for just a moment to hold
yeah I live for this feeling this everglow
so if you love someone, you should let them know
oh the light that you left me will everglow
--
i love you Jesus
thank You for always being the One
the Only One who truly stay
strengthen and love
despite
my inadequacies
my weaknesses
my sinfulness
"come to Me,"
you said.
i'll come Jesus
continue to grow my love for You
for You are the only reason
why i live
and why i can still
take every breath
this particular diamond was extra special
and though you might be gone, and the world may not know
still I see you, celestial
like a lion you ran, a goddess you rolled
like an eagle you circled, in perfect purple
so how come things move on, how come cars don’t slow
when it feels like the end of my world
when I should but I can’t let you go?
but when I’m cold, cold
oh when I’m cold, cold
there’s a light that you give me when I’m in shadow
there’s a feeling you give me, an everglow
but when I’m cold, cold
in water rolled, salt
I know that you’re with me and the way you will show
and you’re with me wherever I go
and you give me this feeling this everglow
what I wouldn’t give for just a moment to hold
yeah I live for this feeling this everglow
so if you love someone, you should let them know
oh the light that you left me will everglow
--
i love you Jesus
thank You for always being the One
the Only One who truly stay
strengthen and love
despite
my inadequacies
my weaknesses
my sinfulness
"come to Me,"
you said.
i'll come Jesus
continue to grow my love for You
for You are the only reason
why i live
and why i can still
take every breath
Oh my soul, oh how you worry
Oh how you're weary from fearing you lost control
This was the one thing you didn't see coming
And no one would blame you though
If you cried in private
If you tried to hide it away
So no one knows
No one will see if you stop believing
Oh my soul
You are not alone
There's a place where fear
Has to face the God you know
One more day
He will make a way
Let Him show you how
You can lay this down
Oh how you're weary from fearing you lost control
This was the one thing you didn't see coming
And no one would blame you though
If you cried in private
If you tried to hide it away
So no one knows
No one will see if you stop believing
Oh my soul
You are not alone
There's a place where fear
Has to face the God you know
One more day
He will make a way
Let Him show you how
You can lay this down