♡

--
merry christmas ~
honestly, really not in the "Christmas mood" this year or however it's defined.
however, i was pleasantly surprised by two girls who dropped texts of wishes this morning & just felt so thankful for God's hand for putting them in my life in the past year. :')

as i reflect about true meaning of Christmas, it is certainly one that should be celebrated for - Jesus' entrance into earth.
but just thinking about what followed in His life - the hardships, the judgement, the accusations, persecutions, etc; it seems really gloomy out of a sudden. He was brought to mankind to go through these, to set the example for us to follow, and eventually die for our sins.

who else could ever measure up to what He has done?

really, just no one.

thus, i'm praying that this season of Christmas, i'll be reminded that Jesus will be my only and sole fortress in my life as i enter the new year. may i stop falling into the pits - depending on things that do not last - but fixate my eyes on the only One who provides and saves.

this semester has been so, so rough.

a test on my mental capacity, and even up till the final day, the physical being is attacked.

for the past 1.5 months, i've refrained myself from breaking down.

but last night, it was so hard..

i thought i've gotten stronger from the previous trial,

but i guess, things will only keep getting harder.

and i'll just get stronger with time.



really thankful for the blessings throughout this rough time though.

with time, all these shall pass too.

and i'll get stronger. :-)


thankful for the reminder from God through hillsong svc this morning :')

reminder to be thankful - even when i can't find any reasons to - in all circumstances.

oh they say people come, say people go
this particular diamond was extra special
and though you might be gone, and the world may not know
still I see you, celestial

like a lion you ran,  a goddess you rolled
like an eagle you circled, in perfect purple
so how come things move on, how come cars don’t slow
when it feels like the end of my world

when I should but I can’t let you go?

but when I’m cold, cold
oh when I’m cold, cold
there’s a light that you give me when I’m in shadow
there’s a feeling you give me, an everglow

but when I’m cold, cold
in water rolled, salt
I know that you’re with me and the way you will show
and you’re with me wherever I go
and you give me this feeling this everglow

what I wouldn’t give for just a moment to hold
yeah I live for this feeling this everglow

so if you love someone, you should let them know
oh the light that you left me will everglow


--
i love you Jesus
thank You for always being the One
the Only One who truly stay
strengthen and love

despite
my inadequacies
my weaknesses
my sinfulness

"come to Me," 
you said.

i'll come Jesus
continue to grow my love for You

for You are the only reason 
why i live
and why i can still
take every breath

Oh my soul, oh how you worry
Oh how you're weary from fearing you lost control
This was the one thing you didn't see coming
And no one would blame you though
If you cried in private
If you tried to hide it away
So no one knows
No one will see if you stop believing

Oh my soul
You are not alone
There's a place where fear
Has to face the God you know
One more day
He will make a way
Let Him show you how
You can lay this down

he tried to stop her from continuing telling me about it, (which she didn't) and he broke into tears. at that instant, it reminded me of the time when i just started teaching him, where he often broke down whenever he met with a question he did not know how to do. that left me really drained after every session, and.. at one point of time, i wanted to let go.

if not, how'd i have seen how much he could achieve?

i'm really so proud of him, being able to read so much more today compared to day we started.
throughout the days we fumbled together, cried together (sessions with him left me in tears during a period of time), we grew closer together beyond being a teacher and student.

throughout the days and sessions, he began opening up, sharing about his days with me and the troubles he has within him. i felt like i gained a little brother, a sibling i've always wanted when i was younger. at the same time, i felt like i gained a friend. similar to how he shares with me, i share with him about my life too and answer his endless queries about my life.

i have no idea if this is goodbye.. but whatever it is, i hope to see y'two continue to shine with this precious innocence of yours.

love you two.

deeply thankful to God for you /

beyond the mere words you utter
you fulfill what you say

you support me in every possible way
encourage and pray for me

your love for me is so much more than i could ever imagine
i thought,
this time i've overcame my personal barrier of opening up my heart

but the depths of your love surprise me daily
much more than i can ever give
which points me to our God

if you could love an imperfect soul like me to this degree
what more the One who created me & us?

my prayer for us is to continue in this awe of His love and goodness
to walk in His ways in everything that we do and our decisions

looking forward to the many more years ahead with you. :')

have i really given up and moved on?

The road is long, Lord, but when I grow weary, You carry me. You never leave my side. We're on this journey together, You and I, and I know that You will not fail me. When the pain overtakes me, You dry my tears. You give me courage to not give up. Always, You are the source of my strength.

You know where and how this journey will end, and You remind me that the sadness and pain is not forever. Dear Jesus, I cannot do this without You. From the deepest point of my heart, I love You Jesus.

Dear Lord, when life is hard and my confidence is in question, help me remember to look back and see Your faithfulness to me in the past. No matter how I feel, may I remind myself, You will not allow my foot to slip.

Of course, that's glossing over the fact that with ups will come times of down too - all a cycle. but I'm really thankful that throughout all the ups and downs, I've numerous lovely ones who are the reason why I can continue to go on.

Sometimes I get to caught up in my down times that I miss those who are standing by me.. some days I feel too exhausted to hold anymore emotions for anyone or anything.


The very first person I'd really like to thank is my sister. I probably don't express this to her at all, but deep down I always feel very thankful to God for putting her in my life. Without her, I don't know how I'd have gotten through the past 2-3 years. Her ever constant and timely providence in my times of need even when she's feeling worn out herself is something that keeps me going. She's indeed my favourite human being in the world. Words just aren't sufficient to sum up all that she has done for me. Lots of love for you! *cringing*

Second, and probably kinda unexpected, to my brother. Tbh, he hasn't been the brotherly figure I hoped for when I was younger. In fact, he always bullied me and I didn't like him. There were times that I was so angry with him that I want to punch him in the face. Yes, literally. His immaturity despite being the eldest also pissed me off to no end. But in recent years, especially this year, his actions have moved me so much to the point of tears. Knowing his character and what he does for me just makes me go ???? Who is this man in front of me?! From paying my bills, treating me to meals, preparing food for me to bring to school and cooking meals for me... WHO IS THIS PERSON?! Lol. Okay it was rather gradual, but his every action has moved me so much. There was this once when we were at our grandma's and he suddenly called me into a room and told me, "Tell me how much you need okay, I really want you to have the full experience when you're there [at exchange]. I don't want to see you eating bread everyday there too." It came at a very unexpected moment and I wanted to burst out into tears once I heard it.. so I quickly rushed out of the room to my grandma. Thank you korkor. :')

Third, to papa. It's been a tough two years or so..  and seeing how you look so dejected everyday pains me. Yesterday, papa came into my room and showed me this huge blue-black he got from work.. "I don't have staff now so I had to do the moving by myself. And this huge metal block fell right on my feet when I was moving it. 好痛哦.." When I heard that, I really wanted to cry (again lol). Sigh. I may not agree with his mindset at times and some of the things that he did/is doing but it's just so heartwrenching to see him like that? And he's really another person who has been helping me so much throughout this period.. even though it hasn't been easy for him. From ensuring that I'll be filled every morning before class and that I'll get my lunch before rushing off to tuition, to sending me to school and sometimes even bringing me back.. and to bringing me to my favourite coffee shop to have my daily dosage of coffee.. thank you papa.

And mama. The silent supporter, but the one who ensures that I'm always in the pink of health to do the things I have to do. There was this once when I was feeling so unwell (to the point of not able to stand up straight) but I insisted on going for tuition.. because my kid's exam was the following day. She tried so hard to dissuade me and made herbal drinks for me to feel better.. which I finally gave in lol. Thank you mama too. :')

And granny lim. Tbh, I was much closer to grandpa in the past.. but ever since his passing, it made me learn how to cherish granny much much more. She's really so loving every time we head over, and thinks of us so much even when we're not physically with her. Thank you granny for being so supportive in every way that you can. Love you!!!

Opps this is getting too long. There's still a few others.. I shall continue another time haha. Back to my readingsssssssss.

joy,
let joy be.

.
.

can't wait to leave ...

today,
I found it a little hard
to find the courage
the courage to live on.

it felt difficult,
to even be breathing
to face people
to keep on the smile on my face.

i know it's selfish of me,
but
i really can't help it.

it's tough
it really is.

Jesus,
won't You just bring me home now?

Perhaps, everything really began to sink in; that the busyness will resume and the time for myself will lessen. But as I looked back to the summer, I felt that there was barely any difference. I was so preoccupied with fulfilling things that people have entrusted me to do, and all the time just went by without myself realizing.

I just felt so tired, so done with everything I was holding on to. What's the purpose? Am I really convinced of the reason behind the things I am doing? Am I really doing things right as how God wants me to?



Do I know how to say this word? I guess after having been through feeling of rejections from people, you understand the plight of people who ask you for favours - and you don't want them to go through the same feeling of disappointment that you've been through. And so you say yes, again and again. That's when you lose control of the amount of responsibilities and workload you're holding, and you snap.

For God to lead in this confused phase of my life. For Him to show me the direction that He wants me to go towards. For Him to bring me Home to Him.

I admit, there were countless times when I really wanted to return Home to be with the Lord. I felt the anticipation to meet Him. But I realized it was selfish of me to think this way.. because the main reason behind these thoughts is simply because of my fatigue from life. God created and placed me on this Earth for a very good reason, and every brand new day and breath is a precious gift from Him. My anticipation can stay, but I should be patient in my waiting and fulfill the purpose that He has called me to do.

Celebration with the ycg! (special thanks to my robotic good friend for ordering the yummy cake online)

--
why my heart turned cold.

Thank you for dinner tonight.
(he thought I was saying peace)
You?
How are you feeling?

some days, I really feel like I can just snap anytime.
but, He enters.
He reminds me of Him.

One thing I love about him is his genuine heart. Although he's not one who opens up easily, but he's one who only say things that comes from his heart. This may not be an entirely positive trait because it may appear rather insensitive and blunt to others at times.. but at the very least he's being true to himself. Of course, I'm still praying that he'll learn how to express his emotions to others better so that others will not misunderstand his intentions.

I don't really smile normally like now.
I just don't.
Hmmm.
Nooooo I can't.


Although it's not going to be easy to change that, but with His hand, it will happen one day!

We actually had a little misunderstanding slightly before the weekend too, but I was really thankful that he initiated in opening up about how he truly felt. It turned out to be a time where we were willing to open up more to one another to clarify our feelings and take it as a time of learning for the both of us. There's really so much for me to learn, not just in my relationship with him, but also with my family, friends, others, and most importantly God. It came as a rather timely checkpoint for myself to reevaluate myself holistically.

Just rejected these words the time someone told me this. I just thought I'd never be able to feel that way with my character being so free-spirited and "independent". I just can't stand the thought of being together with someone and feeling "tied down".


Emotional attachments, lovely dovey words - I thought, "Spare me."
Being in a relationship/anything similar to that just feels like a handcuff on me; my heart yearns to break free but there's that lingering and inseparable weight with me.

Neither of us are the type to express our emotions through words (something that I personally don't find gratification from), but rather, actions. Knowing how he finds it so difficult to express his rawest emotions through words makes every of his word mean so much to me. Because, I know they really come from his heart.

Furthermore, I really love it how we took it slow. My sister and friends have been asking me periodically (esp my sister lolol) on our status.. but my answer always disappoints them.

I guess both of us never felt like we were ready for this commitment and wanted to take things slow and build things up on a stronger foundation, which I'm really glad that we did so. It taught me how to enjoy every moment we had together, though I still had those occasional moments when I wished to be back to who I am without him.. but the past year has been such an amazing journey together.

In the past as a kid, I always thought this is how people get together. Like they'd at least befriend each other for a year or two before deciding to get attached. This thought of mine was busted when I broke this self-created ideal myself.

Today, I am really glad that both of us chose this route rather than following the "norm". Because of this, we haven't had a single quarrel ever since the day we got closer (other than the mini debates over political/social issues), and we really got to know each other's character and preferences so much better.

Feeling particularly thankful for him tonight because of the good ride back together after the comms ball.. him holding on while he took his quick snooze on the ride back made me felt so secure and rested at that moment. I thought the goodbye when I sent him off to Taiwan would be the toughest, but it actually isn't. Tonight's goodbye felt the most difficult.

Huh? But my house is just so near.
*follows* 
It's really okay, I can walk back by myself.
But it's just across the street?

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